


leave the lights on

by monopolizers



Category: Hockey RPF
Genre: Crack, Deliberate Badfic, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-10
Updated: 2014-09-10
Packaged: 2018-02-16 20:25:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 822
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2283414
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/monopolizers/pseuds/monopolizers
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kaner is excited because he and Tazer are going to have sex, but Tazer has a secret.</p>
            </blockquote>





	leave the lights on

**Author's Note:**

> this is cracky cracky crack that I wrote two years ago, a little after I first entered this fandom. I figured it was time to clean it up and post it ([here](http://monopoli.dreamwidth.org/3793.html) is the original). It's pretty cracky, but it's also just bad. It's bad badfic. At least that's meta. Right? 
> 
> the title comes from the song "Leave the Lights On" by Meiko which I do not like very much. This fic was originally prompted by/written for C. Congrats. Here it is. Again.

Kaner was excited. It was his first time with Tazer tonight and he had never done it before so he wanted to make it as good as possible. He bit his lip and squirmed with impatience. This morning, he had tried to finger himself in the shower, but he had ended up slipping and falling and getting a little scrape which Tazer had put a Batman bandaid on later. He wondered how big Tazer’s cock was.

When the doorbell rang, Kaner almost jumped out of his seat to go answer it. He opened the door. It was Tazer! Kaner squealed and jumped on him. Tazer patted him kind of awkwardly on the back but it was okay because Kaner knew that in Tazer speak it was actually code for “I love you!!” He grinned at Tazer and led him inside. Tazer was holding a plastic bag from the nearest CVS. Kaner wiggled his eyebrows at Tazer. “Ooh, what’s that?” he said suggestively. Tazer kind of winced but that was okay too because Kaner knew that his wince was actually an expression of love.

“It’s lube and condoms,” he said, in his deep, sexy voice. Kaner knew his voice was deep and sexy even though it usually sounded like someone had stomped on him and taken all the high notes out of it. He tried not to squeal in glee but failed. He squealed. Tazer covered his ears. “I have to tell you something first,” he said, trying to be heard over Kaner’s excited squealing. Kaner was quiet.

They went to the bedroom, which Kaner had cleaned specially for this occasion. Usually it had food and clothes everywhere but Kaner had taken all the clean clothes and shoved them under the bed and put all the food in one big bag. Now the bad smells were concentrated in one place. Tazer sat down on the bed. He took out the lube and condoms and stared at them for a second, sighing deeply. He looked like his inner monologue was a Linkin Park song. Kaner took off his pants.

“What are you doing?” Tazer asked. He covered his eyes. His voice didn’t sound any different, but Kaner knew that it was his totally turned on and aroused tone. Kaner took off his boxers.

“Turn off the lights!” Tazer said. He sounded pained. Like actually pained, not his robot voice that Kaner had to translate. Kaner was hurt. Didn’t Tazer want to stare at him and his extremely attractive limp cock? Right now it was flopping around kind of cutely. Kaner batted at it for a second before getting back to looking at Tazer. Tazer covered his eyes.

“NO,” Kaner said. He kind of wondered why he was speaking in capital letters, but then he remembered that he was really offended. “I don’t want to run away! I’m going to leave the lights on!” Tazer dropped the lube and condoms and covered his face with his hands.

“Kaner….” he said, his voice muffled. “I have something to tell you. But you should put on your boxers first. At least your boxers. Please.”

Kaner took off his shirt for good measure and crossed his arms over his chest. “No,” he said. “I don’t want to be a secret. We have to be honest with each other.”

Tazer took a deep breath. “I…. I’m a robot.” He didn’t look at Kaner. “I don’t want to hurt you with my large metallic phallus. That’s why we can’t have sex.”

Kaner shrugged. “That’s cool. I’ve had sex with robots before.” Tazer dropped his hands from his face. 

“No, you haven’t. This is your first time. That’s the entire point of this fic. You’re a virgin and we can’t have sex because of my gigantic metal phallus. The author knows what she’s doing. Trust me.”

Kaner shrugged again. “We just have to use a lot of lube, right?” He felt kind of uncomfortable because he was naked and his house was cold, but if he had sex with Tazer then he’d warm up. He told this to Tazer. Tazer stared at him.

“I can’t believe I wanted to bang you,” he said a little weakly. 

“You’re a robot, it’s not like you have a lot of options,” Kaner argued. He sat down on Tazer’s lap.

They had improbable sex without condoms or lube because Tazer’s large metal phallus was self lubricating. Kaner moaned as Tazer spilled his hot cum into his tight, hot ass, even though it made no sense for Tazer to have cum at all, seeing as how he was a robot and all. Kaner did not question why the only metallic part of Tazer’s body was his penis. Tazer did not question why there was a gigantic bag of trash in the middle of the room. Really, when it came down to it, they were MFEO (made for each other).

They did not keep the lights on.


End file.
